How to End a Friendship The Best Tips

How to End a Friendship The Best Tips Relationships Print How to End a Friendship By Arlin Cuncic Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder and 7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety. Learn about our editorial policy Arlin Cuncic Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on November 10, 2019 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD Updated on December 13, 2019 ROBERTO PERI / Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners LGBTQ Violence and Abuse In This Article Table of Contents Expand Reasons for Ending a Friendship Unhelpful Ways to End a Friendship Healthy Ways to End a Friendship How Your Friend Might React View All Back To Top When you first make a new friend, you probably arent thinking about the future and the possibility that the friendship will end. However, it is inevitable that eventually some of your friends will no longer be in your life. People grow apart for various reasons and not every friendship is lifelong. At the same time, most people arent sure of the rules of ending friendships. Unlike with romantic relationships, in which there are clear precedents about how to break up with someone and clear labels to refer to whether you are in or out of a relationship, the same is not true for friendships. This can leave you in a strange sort of limbo where you no longer want to be friends with someone but dont know how to get to that new place. Reasons for Ending a Friendship Before you decide on a course of action for ending a friendship, its helpful to outline for yourself the reasons why you no longer want to be friends with a particular person. This helps you to move forward as you end the friendship. One way to do this is by journaling your feelings. This allows you a safe space to get out your thoughts without discussing them with other people. Of most importance, dont discuss your feelings with the friend you want to break up with until they are clear in your own mindâ€"if you choose to do so at all. Below are some common reasons why you might choose to end a friendship:?? Youve grown apart in terms of interests or commitmentsYour values have become opposed in some wayThe friend has become a toxic person in your lifeThe person is actually a frenemy (a friendly rival)The person has become an obligatory friend (someone you no longer enjoy being with but do so out of habit)Your friend spends more time cutting you down than building you upYour friend is deceitfulYour lives have changed (no longer working together, going to the same school, etc.) Again, because there is so little information on how to break up with a friend, and it is rarely talked about, most people dont know how to end a friendship, and they may not even know when they are justified in wanting to do so. Know that a friend should never ask you to compromise your integrity, go against your values or commitments, tell a lie, or hurt someone by doing something. Although it may feel like a significant loss to lose a friend, someone who no longer is making your life better does not deserve that space in your life. Unhelpful Ways to End a Friendship Before we talk about the best ways to end a friendship, its helpful to consider some of the worst ways. While some of these tactics might be appropriate in certain situations, in general, they are not helpful strategies and should be avoided. Cutting off all contact cold turkeyBecoming hostile or aggressiveEnlisting other friends to do the dirty work for youEnding the friendship over text or chat Healthy Ways to End a Friendship In general, we can consider four healthy options when ending a friendship, and in some cases, you may find that you need to use a combination of these strategies. The Gradual Fade-Out This tactic involves letting the friendship come to a natural close by gradually reducing social interaction with the other person.?? This is akin to taking the stitches out of a garment versus tearing it apart. Gradually fading out of the friendship might be a good option if you are afraid of confrontation, if the person is likely not to listen or accept what you are saying, or for toxic situations. In general, fading out of a friendship avoids hurt feelings. Instead of laying your feelings on the line, you just become too busy to get together or generally hard to reach. You might text instead of call, fade out of the persons social media, take a long time when getting back in touch, answer with short replies, etc. Perhaps in the past, you were a good listener, but now you dont have the patience or dont bother keeping the peace if you disagree on a point. Whether or not you go all out and unfriend that person on social media is up to you. It might be better not to take that step, as it only draws attention to the fact that you are trying to exit the friendship. In general, you are doing things that might naturally happen in a friendship that is fading outâ€"its just that you are choosing to do them intentionally to exit the friendship. The fade-out is a good option if the friend is just an acquaintance since in that situation it might seem awkward or weird to go over reasons as to why you dont want to be friends anymore.   While fading out of friendship may seem kinder, it could drag on if the friend does not take the hint. In that case, you might be putting that person through a stressful situation, as they try to guess what is going on or why youve suddenly disappeared. Finally, the fade-out might be your best option if the friendship is toxic and you dont want to have to explain yourself, if youve been harmed by the person, or if you just dont care enough anymore to give them an explanation. Letting Go of a Relationship That Stresses You The Talk If you determine that a gradual fade-out is not appropriate or if it just ends up not working, then you will need to engage in the talk. ?? This is similar to a talk you would have in a romantic relationship to determine where each of you stands and to talk about the future. The talk can be a stepping stone to the end of a friendship, but you might also be surprised to find that you are able to resolve your differences and fix the friendship. Step 1: Ask the person to meet you for coffee or some other beverage to chat. Be sure to ask to meet in personâ€"never do this over the phone, by text, or by email. Step 2: Have a goal for the talk. Think about what you want to achieve. Do you want to clear up a miscommunication, explain resentment, address an old argument, or set boundaries? Whatever it is that you hope to achieve, it needs to be clear in your head before you meet. Start out with a statement that opens the doors for more conversation. For example: Ive noticed some patterns in our friendship in the past few months that have been bothering me. I wondered if we could talk about it. Step 3: Talk about how you are feeling, not what the other person has done wrong. Keep your goals for the conversation in mind. Remember to listen as much as you talk. Taking a Break You may determine from the talk that your differences cant be resolved. If thats the case, what do you do? You could immediately terminate the friendship, or you could decide to take a break, much the same way people sometimes do in romantic relationships.   Taking a break can have many positives: It gives you a fresh perspective on the friendship.It gives you a chance to calm down if you are upset.It gives you a chance to miss your friend if youve been spending too much time together.It gives you a chance to reevaluate the friendship. You can give any number of reasons for taking a break. You could say that you are going to be extra busy for a couple of weeks, if you prefer to be vague. On the other hand, if youve just had the talk, you could say that you need time to digest everything. Set a time in the future that you plan to reconvene, or suggest that you will get in touch when you feel you are ready. Ending Things Immediately Sometimes it is impossible to avoid the chaos that goes along with a sudden ending to a friendship. This is true if you are dealing with a toxic friend or someone who does not respect boundaries that you try to set. In this situation, simply state that your needs are not being met in the friendship.?? Wish the other person all the best in the future. This type of friendship break-up can be good in that it is unambiguous and clear, and you get a chance to voice any issues that youve been holding back on. At the same time, it can be awkward to confront someone in this manner. This type of friendship breakup will be most appropriate if youve known someone a long time and feel they deserve the respect of a final goodbye, or if someone does something so awful that it would be hard to ignore (e.g., a friend becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs  and treats you badly). At some point, you could simply say, Goodbye, I need to go. If it helps, write a little script that expresses what you are feeling.   How Your Friend Might React to You Ending the Friendship What might a friend do if you break up with them? Below are some possibilities: They might try to manipulate you back into the friendship.They may not understand why you want to end the friendship.They may be hurt and become defensive.They may ask if its possible to convert the friendship into a different form of relationship. Its best to be prepared for each of these possibilities, but realize that you might not know how you will feel until you get into the situation. You might be surprised to learn that a friendship can be saved or converted into something else. A Word From Verywell Breaking up a friendship can be just as stressful and emotionally draining as ending a romantic relationship. Be sure to be good to yourself afterward. Its normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry. Keep on top of your mental health to ensure that the end of the friendship does not cause problems for you in terms of poor physical health or lowered resistance to stress. Just like a divorce, the breakup of a friendship will get easier with time. How to Create Truly Supportive Friendships for Stress Relief